Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, and I have decided to ride this flimsy pretext all the way to the land of talking about kyōgen.

As any fule kno, kyōgen plays traditionally start with the main characters introducing themselves and the situation. Here is one of my favorites so far, with modern pronunciation:

某はこの辺の隠れもない山賊（やまだち）でござる。まことに、若き時分より親の意見も聞き入れず、唯明け暮れこの年まで、ありたきままに身を持ち、もちろん商売も覚えぬ故、この海道に出で、山賊をいたし、渡世を送る。今日もこれに待つてゐて、何者でも通れかし、丸剥ぎにしてくれうと存ずる。

Soregashi wa kono atari no kakure mo nai yamadachi de gozaru. Makoto ni, wakaki jibun yori oya no iken mo kikiirezu, tada akekure kono toshi made, aritaki mama ni mi o mochi, mochiron shōbai mo oboenu yue, kono kaidō ni ide, yamadachi o itashi, tosei o okuru. Kyō mo kore ni matte ite, nanimono demo tōre kashi, maru-hagi ni shite kureyō to zonzuru.

I am a bandit, infamous in these parts. I have ignored the counsel of my parents since I was very young, preferring instead to spend every day and every night of my life entirely as I pleased, never, of course, learning a trade; and so I came to this ocean road where I make my living as a bandit. I believe that today I shall wait here as usual for someone to pass, and then -- whoever they may be! -- strip them of everything they own, as usual.

Twainian antisocial characterization at its best. There's not even a comeuppance later in the play for being so lazy, although the character does fall for an embarrassingly flimsy massage-related ruse.