David Lynch merchandise found

This is a nice eraser for geeks. But it really doesn't compare to MYZAR, the Eraser Robot, produced decades ago by purveyors of educational stuff Gakken.

"The robot changes into [an] erasing-gum!!" cries the copy*. That sounds awesome! I don't really see how it's possible unless the robot is already made of either rubber or some alchemic wonderstuff, but I'm sure there's a reasonable and fantastic explanation! Let's open the box and see what it is!

Looks pretty much like a regular robot... maybe the instructions will clear things up, and...


Well, maybe it looks cooler if you...


... ...

Okay, but consider this scenario:


OPTIMUS PRIME: (writing with a pencil) "Do... NOT... let... the Decepticons... have... the Energon cubes." That ought to do it. Now to go find Perceptor and give him these important hand-written orders. (Exit)

Enter MYZAR, through the window.

MYZAR: So, you Autobots like to burn rubber? I'll show you how rubber can burn! BURN LIKE RUBBER! HA HA HA HA HA!

Still laughing, MYZAR transforms into his eraser form. His laughter becomes muffled as his head swings inside his chest. He erases the word "NOT" from OPTIMUS PRIME's orders, then dives out the window again.


OPTIMUS PRIME: And so, Perceptor, these orders are so simple that despite their importance I am not even going to glance at them again before I give them to you. Here.

He picks up the piece of paper and hands it to PERCEPTOR. PERCEPTOR reads it, then looks up.

PERCEPTOR: Are you sure you want me to--

OPTIMUS PRIME: Absolutely sure! Now roll out!

PERCEPTOR: But I'm a microscope.

OPTIMUS PRIME: I said roll out!

Spinning-head transition to Decepticon base, where STARSCREAM is doing his trig homework, which is totally unfair because MEGATRON said he could watch TV before dinner first, but then SOUNDWAVE said no.

STARSCREAM: Megatron! Your inconsistent leadership has caused me to err! How do you expect me to erase the offending graphite now?!

What really hurts is not having gotten the sweet sharpener or ball-point pen robots:

Because if I had them all, I could store them in this and pretend that I had... uh, a bulky flare gun!

Or I could just leave them out on my desk for that casual playboy look.

"This is the G[akken] B[oy's] Series!" In 2007, women can only dream of that golden age when the males of their acquaintance collected toys as sensible and healthy as these robots that transform into stationery.

It sure is.

* Well, not really. The components of 消しゴム (keshigomu) bear a 1:1 relationship to the components of the hypothetical English term "erasing-gum", but keshigomu is a perfectly ordinary word equivalent in effect to plain old "eraser". I translated it awkwardly just for kicks. (Back)

Popularity factor: 5


It doesn't transform into David Lynch? That's disappointing.

...Unless David Lynch was really an eraser-bot all along and we couldn't see it because of the hypnotic moth wings that were ground up and put into the tea that the half-naked girl gave us at the Dante-themed night club right before she was eaten by giraffes. OH GOD the giraffes are right behind me, aren't they? I knew I should have listened to the blue ziploc bag! Curse you eraser-bot! Curse yooouuuu!


That erasing-gum I like is NEVER going to come back into style.


Oh, it makes so much sense for all of Starscream's dialogue to be in small caps.


I'm sorely tempted to show this to David Willis (of "Shortpacked") just for the hell of it.


TNH: I think I just understood Twin Peaks!

Karla: Erasing-gum is NEVER out of style.

Brian: Technically I should have just tagged it "excruciatingly_painful" so that people could render it as they pleased. I think for full equivalent effect it would have to be small caps in a blinking marquee with an animated "UNDER CONSTRUCTION!" icon chasing the mouse pointer.

Sili: That would be nice, I love Shortpacked. I, too, can breathe in space.

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