The first 150 pages of JJ magazine's May issue, rendered into English text at two words per page

2005-03-28

The first 150 pages of JJ magazine's May issue, rendered into English text at two words per page

Cover: sandals. Hide pores, princess face. First white girl appears. Diorsnow whitener, number two. Dior fragrance. Girly bags. Ayu on a motorbike. Sandal catfight! Model's selections: Mie, dancing, "slightly ethnic"; Yumi likes wrinkled shirts; for Rina, character t-shirts; Miki almost bares navel; Mariko shows shoulder skin. Louis Vuitton's cherry bags -- no! Pinky! Some competition. More Pinky. More Mie. More Pinky. Sports styles. Contacts for "chihuahua eyes". Clear impression.

Index begins. Another ad. Index continues. People wearing white on the streets, then models. Now Emily's "white style". "Ethnic" t-shirt: "move bitch". Riiza: celeb. Lesser stars. Next: casual versus simple. Readers wearing white, white.

"Beauties: it's their skin." "Skin-baring idol" tops for students and OLs. Cute phone! Look devilish. No, conservative. Sparkle! Gather! Enter dorky younger man. GIANT SCARY EYE ATTACK. LIPS! STOP IT LANCOME! White clothing every day. God almighty, more white. Baby pink: "classy-girly". Eurotrash on perfume bottle.

Bags (white, of course.) More bags, some shoes. A fan. Faded photo. "Spot breaker". Blue eyes. Tokyo: full of white. Kobe: full of white. Imperfect people can wear white too! Even pants. More beauty through lucidity.

Chanel bags, CD backdrop. Weird goo on face. "'C' is for cupcake." "Become an It Girl." Charlotte Ronson: interviewed! Hotdog. Branded t-shirts: Provence. Hawhy? Izu Girl. Popeye. Rainbow. Dior punch!

Car ad. Hey, there's Liv Tyler. Ooh! Cat on scooter! Slightly naughty princesses: heels. Night partying. "Paparazzi"? Please. Eating on a couch. School shots. "Serious dating." Is that Salma Hayek? Pink shoes, white shift. Older JJ cover shots. How to attract guys: favorite brands, Yada Akiko, shoulder flash, skin, mermaid, accessories, scents, "me-long" hair.

A "spring of light". Woah, hot. Bags. Hot again: Duras. Next: camisoles. Polka dots. Lace. Ribbons. With cardigans. With jackets. Deodorant ad, all pink. Family plans for phones. Kobe princess.

Popularity factor: 13

Anonymous:

Hmmm...the real question is, why are you reading a magazine that acts as an advisor to the classically stylish urban woman? ;)Enquiring minds want to know...

justin:

Please reformat magazine into standard outline format. I only do outlines these days.

"...giant scary eye attack"?

Matt:

This post has been removed by the author.

Matt:

I was... uh... this blog post is closed!

Man, I did some song outlines at my Japanese blog that I'm actually absurdly proud of. One is the sukiyaki song!

Matt:

Oh-- "giant scary eye attack" was an ad for some Lancome product, a double-page spread with a photo of some eyes that was WAY too close up for my liking.

Will:

Why wouldn't he read such a magazine, Anon.? He is, after all, a classically stylish urban woman.At least, he always will be to me.

Wyatt:

Best post ever! By the way were the things in quotes actual English appearing in this magazine? If so, what was "C is for Cupcake" selling or about?

Matt:

Dammit, Will, you said you'd never tell.

Some of the stuff in quotes is original English and some of it is my translation into. "'C' is for cupcake" was an English sentence written on some photographs of a cupcake-print top by Charlotte Ronson (interviewed a few pages later).. oh, woah, like this one I guess?

I'm kind of disturbed by the fact that all my male readers responded to this but the female ones are deathly silent (allowing of course that Anon might be female)

Will:

It should say "C is for Ronson."And that's good enough for me.Ronson, Ronson, Ronson starts with C.

Matt:

But... it's _not_ for... I thought you were an English teacher!

butterflyblue:

I'm kind of disturbed by the fact that all my male readers responded to this but the female ones are deathly silent (allowing of course that Anon might be female)

I think these magazines are old hat for your female readers. But maybe I'm missing the point.

Diane:

Okay, now I have a new swear-phrase to use for the next week. "Ayu on a *motorbike*, what did you do **that** for??" (snicker)

Matt:

Yes, BB, you're totally missing the point of my ART! ;) No, you're totally right. I don't know why I didn't figure it out myself.

Diane: you could also mix it up with "Ayu H.... amasaki!"

2005-03-28